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| Sorry guys I haven't posted in a while...
Just wanted to let you know I'm about to leave to go on an overseas
missions trip so it will be a few weeks or so before I'm back. (I'm
already like 3 days behind on reading my xanga subscriptions anyways.)
But I'll let you guys know about it when I get back. I already shared
my testimony about God helping me overcome homosexuality with my
team...which was a big mountain to do...and I'm going to be sharing it
where I'm going for the missions trip.
Please pray for us as we go!
Love you all guys,
gdoubled
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| The Change is Coming....
Yes, that's right. I'm ready. I'm actually ready for the change. I think I've hit the bisexual stage...lol.
I'm starting to feel accepted as a man. Other guys (especially my
roommate) have begun to help me and I've started trying to realize that
I do have good guy friends. I can do it...I can do the guy thing. I
don't care if I never learn to like football or anything...I do what I
like to do...and I don't have to learn all that to be accepted by the
masculine world. I don't even have to be in the lobby or out all the
time. I'm so insanely busy and overwhelmed with my music classes...I
just don't have time. And that's ok. I have good friends and maybe when
I get some time I can be with them and have fun. But I'm good just
knowing that they're there.
I went to the Dating Seminar on Monday (and going again tomorrow). I
got a good picture of what a good wife really can be like. Fun,
serious, romantic, loving. I guess all the women I've ever been around
have either been (1) manipulative, (2) ditzy, (3) immature, and stuff
like that. I guess I've always thought "egh...who wants to be in a
relationship like that?" And all I've ever heard was dating drama...I
was like..."not for me." But I see that it is possible to have a good
relationship...I just need the right girl. It's been so long since I've
looked for a girl. The last time I wanted a girlfriend was like back in
elementary or junior high...but then I gave up because they were so
immature and I always more grown up I guess, because I never had a
normal childhood...I've always been grown up. You know? But now, I need
to just wait for the right girl to come along.
Yep...I'm ready. Still attracted to guys? Well, yeah...I guess it's
more of just comparing myself to them and wishing I had bigger muscles,
better skin color, clothes, hair, etc... But I'm working on all
that...I can control some of that. But now, maybe I'll do that to
attract girls, instead of guys....
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| Two posts in one day....impressive I know...
I got this from http://www.genesiscounseling.org/
Brokeback Mountain - The Men and the Message
By Joe Dallas Copyright 2005
Just when you thought it was safe to say "Howdy,
partner", along comes a cinematic romance between two cowboys
that's sure to ignite a fresh round of debates on homosexuality. Brokeback
Mountain, which opened in theaters mid December, chronicles a decades
long relationship between two ranch hands who meet, fall in love,
then marry women and start families of their own. But despite early
religious training and societal attitudes, their secret desires won't
be denied. So over the years their affair is continued under the guise
of friendship, as camping and fishing trips become sexual trysts and
vehicles for long, agonizing discussions about the dilemma of being
gay, married, and in love with the wrong person.
The film's a sermon, to be sure, and the message is
clear: If society would only abandon its prejudice against gays, these
fine men could have openly lived a long and happy life together. It's
a message we've heard before, but not against the backdrop of such
breathtaking scenery, earnest storytelling, and performances by handsome
men mixing homosexuality with America's classic masculine icon, the
Cowboy. And since gays are the victims in Brokeback Mountain, anyone
opposing their behavior will be seen as the oppressor. Christians,
then, should expect to be challenged by friends and co-workers who
will say, "I saw that movie about the gay cowboys. They were
nice guys who really loved each other, so what's your problem with
that?"
The question ducks the real issue, as does the film.
It isn't whether or not gay men can be "nice guys", nor
is it a question of whether they can be masculine, rugged, or capable
of deep love. The question is whether or not homosexuality is normal
in and of itself, no matter what sort of man practices it. And that's
the point Brokeback cleverly avoids. Rather than offer a sound argument
for homosexuality itself, it presents attractive homosexual characters
who viewers like and sympathize with. Then it plunges them into an
ending so tragic and moving (brought about, wouldn't you know, by
that old dragon Homophobia) so viewer's feeling are likely to evolve
from sympathy for the gay characters into advocacy for gay causes.
And isn't the goal of every sermon to stir its listeners to action?
Pro-abortionists have milked this tactic for years. Rather
than address abortion itself (a procedure most people find repugnant)
they shift the focus onto the plight of the woman - her economic difficulties,
her limited options, etc. - eliciting sympathy for the practitioner
so the practice itself is ignored. The logic goes something like this
"Nice women sometimes have abortions; women having
abortions are often in stressful situations; therefore abortion is OK."
Brokeback perfects this technique, telling us, in essence:
"Nice guys are sometimes also gay; gay men are often mistreated;
therefore homosexuality is OK."
But wait a minute. Just as abortion is about the taking
of an unborn life, not the character or circumstance of the woman
having it done, so homosexuality is about sexual relations between
people of the same gender, not the character or circumstance of homosexuals
themselves. It's about the way our bodies are made, and whether or
not our design testifies to heterosexual or homosexual bonding. It's
about the differences between men and women, and whether or not those
differences create a complimentary bond that homosexuality can match.
And it's about whether or not children - and, indeed, society - are
best served by socially experimenting with the family institution
or by keeping intact. Those are the questions we need to be asking,
and we can ask them boldly while agreeing that, yes, two gay cowboys
might be a couple of really nice guys. But "really nice"
and "morally right" are hardly the same.
Brokeback Mountain scores high points for a persuasive technique. It
seeks to convert the undecided, not with good arguments, but through effective
storytelling. And experience has shown that when your cause is questionable,
you can still rally support by telling good stories about the people within
it.Alexander pope's "Essay on Man" puts it well:
Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
No doubt we'll be hearing a good deal about Brokeback
Mountain. God help us, then, to respond effectively to its message.
Because like Vice itself, it offers us a pity we're called to challenge,
and an embrace we're compelled to reject.
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| A Thank You....
I just wanted to thank everybody for their wonderful encouragements. I
really am blessed to have all of you in my life. It really makes a
difference.
I am doing better. I still wish I had physical affirmation from people,
but I talked with my RA and he helped me see myself better. I've kind
of noticed it, but never thought about doing anything about it...but I
always walk around in a rush and whenever someone asks me how I'm
doing, I say "good how about you?" and then rush off. I never stick
around to actually talk with people. I guess I'm usually just afraid it
will be awkward and so rushing off prevents that. But oh well...I guess
I'll settle with being awkward if it helps me to get to know people
more. I really want to spend more time with people on the other halls
in my dorm. It seems the close friends that I do have just aren't that
touchy/feely like these other people that I see. So I just need more of
a variety of friends and maybe run into one that IS like that. You
know? I also might talk with my Dorm Pastor and tell him about this and
see if he can help me get to know other people in the dorm.
A Great Message...
Today in chapel we had a great message. It was the most relevant and
heart-burning message I think I have ever heard. It was SO for all of
us here at bible college. The guy talked about how our church sits in a
distrust among two groups. The older people who've seen God move and
want to remember the good ole days...and the younger people who dream
about seeing God move and want to do all sorts of crazy things and try
new ways. The problem is that the older people don't want to trust us
with taking the baton because our generation is a people of "it's all
about me" and "if it doesn't work I'll just quit." And the younger
generation sees the older generation in all of their doctrines and
rules and regulations and we feel like we can't take the baton without
taking all of their hindering baggage.
The speaker told about one time when he was speaking and after a sermon
or something, this old old former methodist preacher or evangelist
grabbed him and said "I was part of the great Methodist revival. They
called us the shouting Methodists. And then you Assemblies of God came
along and stole our fire and left us with cold stoves. Someday when
you're old another group is going to come along and steal your fire and
leave you with a cold stove and you'll be grabbing some young guy by
the lapel and tell him the same thing I'm telling you now." And then
the guy walked away. I was like wow. We need to learn from the old and
the old need to be willing to pass on the baton to us and not let the
fire burn out. Whereas we think the older people are lacking
application and personalization from their message, we are lacking
knowledge about "why" we do things. We are so Biblically illiteratore
we are unstable. So both of us need to learn from each other and keep
the fire travelling down through the generations.
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| Hey guys. I am doing this course again (that I did over a year ago)
called Door of Hope from Setting Captives Free ministries
(www.settingcaptivesfree.com) and here's a little thing I put at the
end in one of my responses....I felt like sharing it with you. I guess
I feel rather needy right now.
I think Im slowly falling into a depression again. Its like I keep crying for
help over and over and its like people are just watching me saying "yeah...I see
you...I know you're drowning...I know you're there...yeah...I understand" but no
one saves me. I also feel like a crazy emotional woman who blurts out all of
these emotional things and people must be looking at her like shes awkward and
needs to work on being stable. I mean...I just dont know what to do you know. I
freaking still yearn at night for a guy to touch me like guys do and yet the
pain of knowing I may never find anyone like that. I keep running into people
and get my hopes all up and then they get bashed over and over. Its like...whats
the point. You know? I guess the people Ive told just arent really touchy feely
people. Well dang it...I need to meet some of those people. Will somebody
freakin help me find that type of thing? Gosh dont you people who read this
understand? (Does anybody really read it?) I know you have your own lives and
your own problems and your own wishes and hopes. But is it because I think like
a crazy woman that I cant imagine someone asking me for help and just ignoring
them? Am I just crazy? Am I one of those crazy Jerry Springer women who seem
hopeless? Am I one of those stereotypical women who call the radio shows to talk
about how their husbands dont listen to them? Am I one of those crazy women who
read the love novels and get so emotional? Is that why? Is that how all of you
see me? Am I blind to how I appear on the outside? I dont know. I probably am.
Because Im getting the same response from everybody...and that tends to mean
somethings up...and not with everybody else...but with me. So what is the
solution? I dont know. Maybe I should move to Morocco where excess same-sex
touching is part of everyday life. I used to say maybe I should go to Oak Lawn
and find some temporary affection there...but I know thats stupid and wouldnt be
beneficial at all...but what other way could I solve this problem? Its not like
Im not trying to rely on God. But I have learned not everything is so
super-spiritual. Kill me if my ministry to other people is ever a nice
sugar-coated piece of sewage that I say all the right words and appear so
spiritual and the only way I help people is by telling them how they need to
trust in God for their "breakthrough." Granted the healings come from God...but
hey...doesnt that usually happen from other people. Im not saying thats what you
guys necessarily do...but I just feel like people only want to talk to me and
calm down my emotions or whatever...and then thats it. Grr....Im so
frustrated...so lonely...so exploding inside...so pulsating with isolation. Why
the hell has my entire life been spent alone in this manner. Yeah...I always had
someone to talk to...whether it was a teacher at school, a pastor, a friend in a
far away city, somebody on the internet. But thats it...its always been
talk...no practicality to it. No going through with anything. Just talk.
Freaking talk. Just a counselor...someone who listens to me and gives me little
words of advice. Well, by now I guess Ive been offensive. Forgive me if I upset
anyone...but this is [me]...unedited. This is [me] behind the smile and
behind the "Im doing good. How are you?" This is the heartbeat of a guy who just
wants to be loved and healed. Just the real me...
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